We’ve developed a new set of techniques for measuring employee engagement in the office
- Collect the drool off of sleeping employees’ desks. Measure it in a beaker. If the total volume is under 5mL, your employee is probably minimally engaged. If it measures over 5mL, your employee is probably actively disengaged, and/or should be tested for narcolepsy.
- Check your employees’ Facebook profile. Engagement can be calculated by dividing the number of cat videos posted per hour, by the rate of comment responses, then multiplying this by the number of status updates, per minute.
- Employee engagement as a whole in the company can be calculated by randomly sampling the number of employees hovering at the water cooler at a single time, correlated with each employee’s sips per minute (SPM). If this value proves that employees are using time at the water cooler for activities other than drinking water (examples include, but are not limited to: chatting, staring aimlessly out the window, sleeping, playing ultimate frisbee) it is safe to assume that your engagement levels are low.
...Don’t worry, I’m just kidding...